TVs

Warning: This post conjures up graphic images that may not be suitable for anyone that cycles outdoors.


Riding a Catrike 700 is a little like sunbathing on a blanket. One effectively lies down face up, spreads all four wings for maximum exposure, & chills. Or bakes, as the case may be. Of course on wheels the scenery & potential hazards are ever changing. Take turkey vultures, for instance.

At most any given time turkey vultures can be seen in East Tennessee. A.k.a. buzzards, carrion crows, and TVs, they are big and slow and eat dead things. But they are not normally a cycling hazard unless they’re feasting on roadkill in the road. So I didn’t pay much attention to the wake pecking at something in the grass ahead & some distance off to the side. My approach startled them & the airborne kettle veered away from the road. All except Ziggy (remember the singing quartet from The Jungle Book?). Ziggy flew over the road in a bombing run just as I rolled underneath.

I said TVs are big. Their wingspans can exceed six feet and each can weigh well over five pounds. Much of that weight is whatever they’ve recently eaten. Unlike zombies that eat living things, they are almost exclusively scavengers. And they eat a lot. They are nature's vacuum cleaners. As such, what’s in their gut has already been partially “organically” processed even before their own process. So, they are not only nasty going in but just as bad going out.

Their droppings are generally white and can kill trees & vegetation. Smaller bird mess from sparrows, robins, even crows are tolerable on the car, the driveway, even my bike. But TV BS presents a whole different clean up magnitude. Ziggy was deadly accurate with a fully loaded bomb bay and his natural on-board Norden bombsight locked onto my chest. My black cycling shorts & day-glo shirt were instantly, shall we say, no longer pristine & pure of color or smell. My immediate flashback was to the old Aliens movies where their bodily fluids can dissolve metal . My single bottle of water was no match for the needs at hand. Fortunately a McDonalds was only a mile ahead and getting to the restroom didn't require a trip through the dining room. Unfortunately McD doesn't have hot water any more so it was a cold exit with wet clothes. Always looking for a Silver Lining, I can be thankful that Ziggy wasn't a bit less accurate as I open-mouthed, "Oh, s**t!"

TVs can't vocalize like other birds. But I could've sworn he hissed & grunted at me during the flyover. As a Protected Species, they are illegal to kill. But, next time I see Ziggy, he may get to peck at a can of WhoopAss, if I can catch him...

 

Dave I really feel for you...that must have been a horrific experience. Hopefully the smell wore off a little by the time you got home. I don't know about you but I'd burn my clothes...

And probably gargle a gal of Listerine